Married Couples Q&A: What do you wish you had known before you got married?
If you’re not familiar with Covenant Co.’s Instagram, a few weeks ago I did a revamp! Now more than ever, the goal is to serve you in your upcoming marriage — beyond just getting you successfully to “I do.” Every Monday is focused on prayers for your spouse to start your week (remembering that God is outside of time, so God knows who your spouse is ahead of time!). On Friday, I share brief prompts to help you reflect on the week; what the highlights were, how you nourished your marriage, and perhaps even provide an opportunity to see where you can grow.
Wednesdays are for “Q&A,” where married couples can share their wisdom with engaged couples to help them succeed. We had an especially lovely and productive conversation recently and I wanted to share it here for anyone who missed it!
Married Couples: What is one thing you wish you had known before you got married? What would you tell your engaged-self that would have made your first year of marriage easier?
Chelsea, married 3 years, @chelseamayard
Learn to love yourself first and notice God's graces in the little things around you in your daily life.
If you're constantly looking to your partner to “make you happy” or “save you,” you'll become distracted from everything God is blessing you with.
Marriage is a team effort and you have to be able to support your partner when it’s tough or even when the problem seems like it’s “against you.” If you learn to love God in your daily life and rejoice in Him in the small things, you’ll be able to find gratitude in your marriage. The problems you may face won’t seem so big because you’re constantly reminded of how much you already have.
If you’re of a gratitude attitude it becomes easier to face your issues as a team rather than one partner against the other.
Chrissy, married 20 years, @mommacleary3
There will be times the person you love more than anything does things differently than you have ALWAYS done it. That doesn’t mean they are wrong (or crazy).
Try not to fix or fixate on those things. Offer them up.
Noëlle, married 5 years, @noelle.pottle
Pray together from the beginning. It may be weird at first if you haven’t done it before, but make it a priority.
And don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in prayer. It’s hard but so worth it!
Start with something small, like an Our Father and Hail Mary, or a novena, and build it up slowly over time.
Victoria, married 1 year, @mysticalrosephotography
He can't read your mind. Don't shut down when you feel upset; he genuinely wants to know so he can help you.
Katelin, married 1 year
We got this great piece of advice but STILL struggled with this: communicate the unspoken expectations.
You don’t even know you have them, but there are a countless number of expectations you have about what marriage is like based off of marriages that you witnessed growing up.
As much as possible, communicate about spending behaviors, communication styles, household chores, gender roles, and go in READY to discuss them objectively when they inevitably come up. It’s best to just laugh about them together and come up with a solution together.
Even though you dated your SO for X number of years and feel like you know them, it’s probably safer to assume that they are going to have an extremely different way of navigating and caring for your household than you. Embrace the similarities if you find them, but be prepared to discuss the differences calmly and with the assumption of positive intention.
And my personal favorite bit that I wish we’d known ahead of time…
“Eventually you will not only be ABLE to sleep well in a shared bed, you will be unable to sleep WITHOUT your spouse. Be patient with the sleep deprivation.”
It took my husband and I months to figure out the sleep situation! (And by that I mean it took me months because we prioritized a bed that suits his “I’d rather sleep on the floor” needs and figured I’d adjust… plus he has a CPAP machine.) It took a mattress protector, mattress topper — only on half of the bed —, and noise machine to get me sleeping through the night, but now I feel alone without him there! At one point, we even discussed being one of those couples who sleeps in separate rooms but I’m glad we pushed through!
Do you feel this advice was helpful? I sure hope so! If you want to join in the prayer train or soak up the wisdom from our married brothers and sisters, follow us on your favorite social media (facebook, instagram, & pinterest) for more!
Always yours, xoxo,
Marissa @ Covenant Co.
Have a question you’d love our married friends to answer? Submit it to love@covenantco.org and it might just be featured in an upcoming Q&A!
