How to End a Fight Without Flowers

My husband and I actually don’t fight very often. We do watch a certain reality show that involves couples who fight a lot (it features couples from different countries who have a certain number of days to be a fiancé) and often find ourselves saying, Wow, I’m so glad we don’t talk to each other like that. My husband usually sums it up by saying, “We don’t fight dirty.”

We do, however, disagree about enough things. And when it does advance to the level of being an argument, it’s usually on me for being too emotional or prideful to calm down in the moment.

We’ve never resorted to that cliché moment where my husband comes home with a big bouquet of flowers to say sorry.

Why? Because that’s not the whole story. If we fight, even if it’s not pretty, it’s for a reason. Sometimes it’s pent up anger or frustration with life in general that has nothing to do with the other person. Actually, that’s most often the case. It’s one of the burdens of spending forever with someone — they have to be willing to be there for the raw emotions and the aftermath of what life throws at you.

But you, on the other hand, have to be willing to try to minimize your spouse’s burden as much as possible. Does that mean bottling it up? Of course not. Capping a lid on what’s on your mind all the time will only lead to resentment

Here are 5 ways to handle a fight and move forward:

1. Remember why you married your spouse.

This is a daily practice that will build a mindset and headspace over time. Don’t let yourself become complacent in seeing your spouse for who they are. You chose them for a reason. And you know, when your mind is clear, that they don’t deserve to be treated the way arguments can make us treat each other. If they had a friend who engaged with them negatively, especially if it was often, you would’t be ok with it (and you know you wouldn’t).

It’s also a good thing to bring to daily prayer! Talk to God about how much you love your spouse. Tell God all the things you’ve about them, like you would have talked about them to a friend as you were falling in love. And thank God for the gift of your spouse, including all of their beautiful qualities.

2. Walk away if you have to. But always come back to resolve the issue.

This isn’t giving up or choosing not to follow through with the topic at hand. And emotions aren’t a negative thing to bring into a discussion necessarily, but the temptation is always there to let strong emotions lead us. Allow yourself — and encourage yourself — to walk away, take a breath, and table the conversation if things start to get out of hand. Your spouse will appreciate it. In my marriage, my husband is much more ready to take a breath, process, and come back to it than I am. I find satisfaction in expressing my emotions, and after a point that really isn’t fair for my husband.

3. Be ready to apologize.

This one is probably self-explanatory so I won’t spend too much time on it. Apologize for what is appropriate — if you’ve indulged in emotions, if you’ve name-called, if you’ve distracted from the discussion in a way that is destructive, say you’re sorry for it. Try not to phrase it in a way that puts a negative focus on your spouse, ex. “I’m sorry I made you feel bad.” Own your mistakes: “I’m sorry I talked down to you.” “I’m sorry I raised my voice.”

But don’t apologize unless you mean it, or for talking about difficult topics in general. Be honest. If you felt a difficult talk went well, there’s no need to apologize for it; and if you’re not actually sorry, even if you were in the wrong, reflect and apologize once you truly are remorseful for how you handled things.

4. Be ready to forgive.

This works best in tandem with remembering all of the reasons you love your spouse and why you chose them. We can get caught up in an argument and still feel raw, which can make forgiveness difficult. But we need to forgive as quickly as we would want to be forgiven. Our spouse is our companion on this journey, and there’s nothing to gain by holding onto frustrations when we weren’t at our best.

5. Consider therapy.

If you’re feeling like you struggle with any part of arguing in a way that goes beyond the argument at hand, consider addressing the greater cause in therapy. For myself, once we’ve escalated things to an emotional argument, I have a really hard time letting go of my own feelings. So once things have resolved, I tend to still be pent up on emotion and I just want to keep discussing it and getting my feelings out there. This isn’t productive, and it isn’t good for my marriage. If you’re bringing something like that into your arguments, consider how to best manage this, which might include therapy.

No one is perfect and even knowing these tips won’t magically make arguments run smoothly. Every good habit takes practice. Building daily routines of keeping your marriage Christ-centered, which will be the focus of my next blog, will help strengthen your marriage — and make disagreements less disruptive to the health of your relationship.

Don’t apologize with gestures and gifts as if it will make everything go away. Tend to your spouse and work toward making things better. Flowers and candies are usually a coverup, a way to make up without confronting the problem or working toward a long-term resolution. Really get to the heart of the issue. Don’t fight dirty and make sure your love for your spouse shows throughout everything.

I’ll never say no to flowers, though.